Face your fears

Avoiding a fight, or in one you can't shake? Deal with the conflict

Are you avoiding someone because you’re avoiding a fight? Are you already in a fight with someone? In either case, take a mental step back and plan to deal with the conflict this week.

Many disagreements are rooted in misunderstanding. Start by thinking about questions you can ask in order to better understand the other person’s position. Help provide context in a blame-free way: don’t say “when you do this you make me really frustrated”; instead say “ I feel frustrated when this happens because” - and then go on to explain the impact it has on you.

If you already know the shape of the disagreement, then think further ahead: what outcome will be acceptable to both parties? Can you compromise, i.e. can you each give a little from your demands and meet in the middle? Or can you find a way to collaborate and get to a better solution, one that solves your challenge in a different way. Ask questions that start with, “how might we...” or “what would it take...” to invite an open, constructive conversation.

Don’t force things: if tempers start to boil over then it’s best to park the discussion and try again later. Do try and end with a clear statement of what you agreed - write it down if necessary - and a clear next step for each of you to take.